This morning I walked from Presidio Heights, down to Pacific Heights, through Japantown and the Western Addition, down to the Lower Haight and further down hill to the Mission. It’s my grandma’s birthday today. I took a long walk to give myself time to remember her and appreciate the things I learned from her and the non-material gifts she gave to me. She was born in 1912 and died in 2009.

At the halfway point, I stopped at La Boulange at Pine/Fillmore for treats to eat on my walk. I felt like I was mostly alone on my urban hike. When this young man (who I’ll call Kurt since he reminded me of Kurt on Glee) started talking to me, it felt invasive.

When people try to talk to me on an airplane trip, I do my best to put on my earbuds and excuse myself. But not when I’m walking or on a bus. I’ll talk with just about anyone on the street or on a bus unless I’m in the midst of, like today, a particular thinking or meditating or reminiscing project in my mind.

I walked a bit slower than “Kurt” because I didn’t really want to chat, I wanted to walk and sniff out thoughts and memories from my mind, but then there was a crosswalk with traffic and I caught up and we both waited and smiled at each other.

As we both continued to walk, he walked faster than me, then he turned around and said, “be careful, that metal on the sidewalk is slippery.”

Another crosswalk with traffic where we both stood and waited for the light to change.

“It’s so cold here in San Francisco,” he said, and we picked up a conversation.

I told him about the hot weather in San Francisco in September and October and how my wife got sunburnt in early October in 2008 when we were married out by Ocean Beach. It had rained the day before, and in the rush to get our dresses on and hair done and ready to go, we forgot to put sunscreen on her back. She doesn’t usually wear a backless dress.

He said he’d been living here a week, to go to an art school, and was disappointed in the school and thinking of moving to New York, where at least he could get married if he wanted to someday, and there might be more or better opportunities to be a bohemian. He wanted to go to London and asked if I’d ever been to London. Yes, I said. “How old are you?” He asked. “40,” I said. “No way,” he said, “I’m 20.”

We exchanged names, I told him he’d do a lot in his life in the next 20 years before he turned 40, and we said goodbye as he turned a corner and I continued on Fillmore St.

I felt invigorated by the interstitial conversation during my walk, the many possibilities and hopefulness of being 20, and the friendliness of a stranger.

My grandma’s gifts were that she believed in me, gave me confidence, support, love, compassion, without any criticism or shame or blame or guilt. She was a devout Christian. She was a scientist (chemist) and a high school math teacher. She always was glad to see me and she always showed up. She was a maker and made a lot of things – knitting, crocheting, sewing, baking, cooking, gardening. I miss being able to tell her about my daughter, who wants to be a scientist, and who loves to knit and sew and cook and garden. It’s almost as though my daughter takes after her great-grandmother (even though they share no genes).

My grandma in 1943, long before I knew her. I love this photo of her and her big bright smile.

One of my first memories of her is of a trip I took to California in the 1970′s (on an airplane! My first airplane ride!) to visit her and my grandpa. They had a swimming pool and a lemon tree and a croquet set in their backyard. I thought California was magical because we could make lemonade every night from fresh lemons picked off of a tree (lemons, as far as I knew, didn’t grow in Oregon where I grew up, and most lemon juice came in a plastic container shaped like a lemon).

The Magical Backyard Swimming Pool in California, 1970's (plus a ping pong table!)

Happy 99th birthday, Grandma! I know you’re in a beautiful place and I keep you always in my heart and memories.

Lucy’s been afraid of swimming pools and oceans for most of her life. As of a few months ago she’s found enthusiasm for swimming and bravery to face her fear. We went to a hotel on the beach this weekend and she’s practicing! There’s a guy nearby throwing his kids in the pool, and they laugh unencumbered laughs while begging, “again, daddy, again, please, daddy, please!”

Always carry a scarf or a hat or a layer.  A day can go from 60degrees and sunny to 40degree foggy evening within 20 minutes.

• Sutro heights, ruined baths, water organ – you have to time your visit just right with the tides to hear the water organ
• California Academy of Sciences in Golden Gate Park – great planetarium shows, indoor rainforest, good food, white alligators, buy your ticket in advance, be prepared to stand in line for the rainforest
• The carousel and Children’s Playground in Golden Gate Park are good for a few hours on a non-rainy day
• Golden Gate Park also has several lakes, some bison, and lots of gardens and hiking trails.  I’m fond of the Queen Wilhelmina Tulip Garden, out by the ocean, where Moya and I were married in 2008 (when it was legal in California)
• Trevor Hailey’s Castro tour
• The Westin St Francis Hotel in Union Square has glass elevators that are super fun to ride but I think they’re still only available to guests with room cards (it’s been that way for a while – security thing)
• Go to Yerba Buena Gardens, downtown between Mission Howard 3rd 4th, find the ramp behind the waterfall and walk up it — you end up in the middle of the city but you can’t hear the city.  Samovar Tea Lounge is up there at the “top” of the waterfall and it has super yummy food and outdoor seating.  The other restaurant up there (B) is also good.
• There are a lot of “secret” public spaces downtown. SPUR has a map you can download. SFGate has a mashup map.
• At the Palace of the Legion of Honor you can walk around the statue garden outside and then hike to the edge of the world at Land’s End – a short hike on the edge of a cliff above the ocean.
• There’s Alcatraz, but …
• Take the ferry to Angel Island in the morning, hike around the island to see buildings that used to be internment camps, hike to the top of the island to see views of the city, bay, bridges.
• If you don’t ride public transportation very often, it can be fun to just ride the F streetcar or underground MUNI or BART.  Cable cars are fun, too, and you should buy a ticket and get on them somewhere other than Powell/Market where there’s always a long line.
• I like our sea lions – they were gone for a couple years and now they’re back.  You can usually see them at the Ferry Plaza (Embarcadero at Market) and Fisherman’s Wharf.
• Driving up to Twin Peaks to see the view is popular.  Stop and park before you get to the parking lot and buildings at the top.  Look for the stairs heading up a rocky hill.  If you walk up those stairs you’ll get a much better 360degree view than the parking lot.  At the top of the rocky hill you can see the ocean, bridges, bay, city.  It’s almost the top of the city and most people miss it.
• If it’s foggy up at Twin Peaks, drive down the hill and look for Tank Hill and/or Corona Heights and the Randall Museum.
• Eat something at Papalote (24th/Valencia) just for their salsa.  If you’re vegan, their soyrizo burrito (add avocado) is great.
• Or eat at any taqueria in the Mission.
• While you’re in the Mission, go to Humphry Slocombe and Bi-Rite Creamery for ice cream (they’re not close to each other, long walk or short drive between)
• Go to 826 Valencia (that’s the name of the place and the address) where there’s a pirate store.  If you have a young kid, like me, your kid can barter a song or a dance or a story or a riddle for a treasure in the sand.
• Next door is Paxton Gate which is a store that is a natural science museum with taxidermy, fossils, bones, plants, bugs pinned to boards.
• Precita Eyes mural tour in the Mission
• Defenestration building on corner of 6th/Howard, south of market, still for sale after all these years
• Drive out to Sea Cliff and try to find Robin Williams’ house (ha!)
• There’s the fun indoor science museum Exploratorium, but if it’s not raining, the Outdoor Exploratorium at Fort Mason is less busy and there’s a bandstand there made out of car hoods and computer motherboards
• At Fort Mason is a fantastic vegetarian restaurant, Greens
• For other fine veg dining in San Francisco, there’s Millenium – in the summer of 2004, my wife and I had a long delicious dinner at Millenium and narrowed down a list of 90+ possible names for our daughter to 11 combinations of names.
• Driving north or south on Highway 1 is always beautiful, along the coast
• Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge, hold onto your small children (one has slipped through the cracks), wear layers, don’t be surprised by the brisk freezing wind and fog
• Further north is Point Reyes, land of delicious oysters and views, and Muir Woods
• The San Francisco Main Library in Civic Center has a great children’s library, always some drama in the bathrooms (and advice for where else to shower besides there), and nice spots on the upper floors
• There’s some good architecture in Civic Center, tasty Korean and Vietnamese food not too far away, if you venture into the Tenderloin, and the plaza in Civic Center is always sporting a garden or statues or protest or rally or celebration
• Crissy Field is a reclaimed wetland with a beach and warming hut and lots of space to walk and run and hike

Food! There’s so much good food in San Francisco.  Too much to write about.  It’s written about everywhere all the time.  7×7′s list of 100 Things To Eat Before You Die is a good start.

The iPad improved my experience of reading in bed.

If I’m on my side, in bed, I can only read the odd (or even-numbered pages) with the book propped on its side:

Reading in bed, old school

That’s something that always frustrated me as a kid, reading under the covers with a flashlight and having to prop up the book more to read the other side of the page, or holding the book open with one tired hand:

Holding book open. Tiring.

I love reading in bed with the iPad because it props up the “whole book” at the same angle.

iPad improves the experience

I also like reading to my 6-year-old kid in the dark, using an iPad, as she goes to sleep. I turn the brightness all the way down, and it’s still too bright in the dark, so I also turn the brightness all the way down in the iBooks or Kindle app.  I sit in a chair by her bed and read a chapter of a book to her (currently I’m reading the Ramona books to her).  It’s so much quieter and easier than a paper book with pages to turn and a booklight to adjust.

Reading on iPad vs. reading on paper

A friend recently mentioned how useful the dictionary is in the Kindle and iBooks app.  I’d never used the dictionary until my kid asked what a word meant, I couldn’t think of an immediate easy definition, and I remembered I could highlight a word to get a definition, and it worked!

My kid is a good reader, but she doesn’t yet read chapter books on the iPad. She checks out the paper version from the library and she enjoys using and making different bookmarks for the paper books.  I wonder when she’ll start reading more digitally.  Probably just a few years.

I have some books in more than one format (paper and Kindle, or paper and iBooks).   That’s a bit of a racket — paying twice for the same book content just to have it both on paper and digitally.  I hope someday I can pay for the content in one format and choose to have it delivered in multiple formats – particularly if I want to share a book with someone who doesn’t have a device running the proprietary app (iBooks, Kindle).

There was no Lance Bass, no Melissa Etheridge, nobody coming out on the cover of a major news magazine, no gayby boom, no Will & Grace, no L Word, no president saying the words gay or lesbian or acknowledging LGBT people, no Ellen, no DADT or fight to end DADT, no domestic partner rights, no adoption rights, no fight for ENDA, no Prop8, no lesbian mayor of Houston in the news, and I didn’t even know the acronym or the words for the acronym LGBT until my late teens.

The first time, as a young teenager, I told an adult that I was attracted to girls, not boys, I was told that my feelings were wrong and I could pray those feelings away.

The second time I came out, as an adult, I stayed out and I regularly continue to come out, as needed.  When someone, in casual chitchat, asks if I’m married, I say yes, the followup question is usually, “What does your husband do?” and I come out again.  When someone says my daughter looks like me and asks if she looks like my husband too, then I come out again, both as a woman with a wife and as an adoptive mother, not a biological mother.

My parents love me dearly, my lesbian sister and straight brothers, too, and if someone asks them about their children and grandchildren they likely mention their 6 smart beautiful amazing grandchildren and their 4 successful talented children.  They are probably less likely to mention that their 2 daughters are lesbians, or that 4 of those 6 grandchildren have lesbian moms.  They are also probably less likely to mention that the 4 children with lesbian moms are all adopted by their daughters, being the biological children of their daughters’ wives.

I could be wrong about that, but I do know straight people, particularly parents of LGBT people, often have their own closet and coming out process that share a lot in common with the experience of LGBT people who lose friendships and family closeness when they come out.

Too many times LGBT people are blamed for the loss of family or friends, and the estrangement within social and familial groups, when they come out.  They aren’t to blame.  If anyone is to blame, it’s the family and friends who so easily reject a relationship with someone who is dear to them.

found in my grandma's 1943 joy of cooking

I happened on this recipe card this morning when looking for a recipe for blondies and it fascinated me because it’s basically a meringue put on top of raw cake batter and then baked with the cake. It was stuck in between pages with yellow cake recipes and that’s my favorite cake.

I love seeing my grandma’s handwriting.  I miss getting a letters from her.  When she was alive she mailed a letter to me every 2-4 weeks.  We sent letters back and forth to each other for 20 years.

loulou
brigit
elsa
haley
inge
palva
tayte
mika
babette
eloise
paola
zola
birkita
nola
sadie
casey
petra
alice
doris
clara
imogen
hester
freya/freja
ruby
cat
lucy spike
amelia
ophelia
zelda
betty
flannery
scarlet
jane
sarah
ry
max
nan
lucinda
fred
lota
emma
della
lulu
pete
brigid
keelin
harry
lolly
maeve
maeva
orla
siofra
berit
serge
tilda
dahlia
eir
hank

Bugsy Singalong (2:23 minutes MP3)

Lucy’s favorite music to listen to in the car used to be John Denver and The Muppets “A Christmas Together.” I could do a complete performance of that album from memory (so could Moya).  We listened to it every time we were in the car for over a year.

Then a friend of Lucy’s handed out a mix CD called Bugsy on his last birthday (made by his dad) and now we listen to that every time we’re in the car.

I prefer opera and blues and pop music but I’m not in the booster seat.

I dropped Lucy off at school and picked up some instant coffee from Starbucks.  Then I walked down to Bi-Rite Market to get some pastured eggs – they are the only store I know around the neighborhoods I walk (Mission, SOMA, FiDi, Castro) that regularly have pastured eggs in stock.  I expected to find eggs from Eatwell or Clark Summit or Soul Food Farm or Marin Sun Farm, and then was pleased to find pasture raised eggs from farms I’d never heard of: Lazy 69 Ranch and Sinclair Family Farm.

I picked up a bottle of Bushmill’s whiskey which reminded me of meeting Moya in 1997 and of marrying her for the 3rd time in 2008.

Irish tradition (I married an Irish gal)

I got another can of sweetened condensed milk which always reminds me of my fabulously missed late grandma.  And some Recchiuti extra bitter chocolate sauce which is probably heavier than the recipe requires, but it looked so much more delicious than the bottle of plain chocolate syrup.  Why skimp when the ingredients list is already so decadent?!

I dumped all of the ingredients in the mixing bowl. It’s a simple recipe – you just whip together fresh eggs, almond extract, vanilla extract, chocolate syrup, instant coffee granules, sweetened condensed milk, whiskey, and whipping cream.

While I was scraping out the cans of sweetened condensed milk I was reminded of my grandma’s voice telling the story of how her mom would always use every last drop of sweetened condensed milk from a can by pouring coffee in the can and dissolving the last bits of sweet milk with the coffee.

every last drop of sweet

I don’t like milk in my coffee but I’ll drink coffee out of the remains in a can like this.

Here’s the finished product ready for a label:

Store in the fridge, not by the tree

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