I’ve been browsing photos that parents have taken of their children. Captions and titles and comments call these children sweet and cute and adorable and lovely and all sorts of niceties. I remember those words being applied to me as a child when adults talked about me. Most of the adults in my life, as a child, were at church.
Kindergarten
Many of those adults now would barely speak to me because I’m a lesbian. That one word moves me from a sweet lovely adored person included in a community to a shunned “sinner” not worthy of human acknowledgement.
Many of those adults apparently also stopped talking to and including my parents.
I grew up in a very strict lutheran church that is closely related to Laestadian churches. Women were not allowed to be pastors or ministers. They participated in discussions at bible studies but they never stood up in the pulpit and spoke to the congregation. We were required to always wear dresses to church (something my younger sister hated). Most of the women were housewives and stay at home parents (though that wasn’t my mom or grandma). Dancing and watching movies/TV were strictly forbidden. The only music ever played was religious music and hymns. I was taught that other religions were strictly wrong and that we held the one true truth/faith and were the only people going to heaven. When friends of my parents divorced, when I was a child, I noticed that the divorced couple did not seem welcome any longer in our church. Most men smoked heavily, but most women didn’t. Alcohol was never drunk.
Any wonder I distrust religion?
very poignant post, leanne, and not insignificant that you choose a kindergarten picture. having a daughter in kindergarten ourselves now, we must constantly try to parse through not only our own past but a bright (brighter) future for our girl. so glad to see you battling through the murk to get out into the light.
What an interesting observation. To go from cherished to cast aside. And why??? Sometimes I think that it is more a lack of a way to understand, and lack of a logical “place” to put you in their culture, or their worldview.
I grew up in a laestadian church, and I know exactly what you mean. I’m so sorry. It is hard to rebuild an inner sense of security when your whole childhood foundation–everything you grew up with–gets yanked out from underneath your feet. And even though you are the exact same person, you don’t get treated the same because you no longer conform to their standards and expectations.
I experienced some of that when I left the church and divorced my husband. I felt like I lost my whole life, because it had all been wrapped up in the church up to then. I would not take back all that security, however, if it meant that I had to stifle the truth within myself. Speaking and living your truth is not always easy, but it’s easier than living a lie.
I think it is a long process to work through all of this, maybe partly because it played such an integral part as we were growing up. The church shaped our beliefs, our beings, and how we saw ourselves. And in order to survive, we have had to reshape all of that. You have done a brave and courageous thing, Leanne. And I know it hasn’t been easy.
Daisy – Your comment was posted at exactly the right time. Serendipity! Just after noon yesterday, May 2, I was at an airport checking my email about to go to my grandma’s funeral at a church that is very close to laestadian, and I read your comment. Thank you so much. Your perspective that it’s their lack of a place or understanding helped me, particularly yesterday, to not just assume it’s because I’m gay — even if that was often the case. I noticed yesterday that I clearly look different than the women who are in the church – since I wore a black pantsuit and a bright shirt and oxford shoes. Just looking different is probably enough to be judged as an outsider. Your description of the hard process of reshaping one’s self, because the church was such an integral part of our lives, is spot on. I’m sorry you went through a similar process when you left the church and got divorced — you, too, did such a brave courageous thing. The woman I mentioned in my post, who was divorced when I was a child and I noticed people stopped talking to her, was at my grandma’s funeral yesterday, and it was so very nice to see her again. What a sweet full circle this has made. Thank you, again, for your beautiful, compassionate, perfectly timed comment that helped me through the day yesterday!
Leanne, the church you speak of is not affilated with Laestadianism, as they have no dress codes for women. You could say your from a strict church, but it’s not close to Laestadianism.
@jj It is no longer specifically associated, but it has a history of association and the congregations I grew up with have a lot in common with Laestadianism, including dress codes for women. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laestadianism_in_America
Well, I agree with you, Leanne. That’s not entirely true, jj, because the church I grew up in was definitely Laestadian, and if there was a dress code for women at one time, it had relaxed by the time I was growing up. I think much depends on which branch of the church you are speaking of. Because of the various splits, there are numerous variations in doctrine in each, whether it’s the ALC, the FALC, the AALC, the LLC…you get the gist.
And some of them morphed into others, changed names…it’s very complicated. I don’t believe there is one, pure, true Laestadian church anymore, so I think it’s perfectly legit to claim that the church is related to Laestadianism.
And Leanne, you’re welcome, of course! Serendipity, indeed, my fellow traveler. :) I am so happy that Divine timing stepped in to give you something to hang on to.
Funerals are so difficult and emotional anyway, and then to throw the church thing into the mix, blech. And at the few funerals I’ve attended since I left, it’s hard because if I show emotion because of the funeral part of things, I don’t want people to interpret it as a desire for “repentance”.
Thank you, too, for posting about this. Just hearing someong speaking it is helpful. Shunning is a powerful tool. It makes you feel silenced when no one wants to hear you, and it is very diminishing. It’s important to find your voice. So kudos to you for putting it out there.
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