Pedestrian

My wife, Moya, has taken an unpaid leave of absence from her job to volunteer full-time (and more) for the No on Prop 8 campaign in California.  I’m so proud of her.

I think her entire family is proud of her too – they all showed up for our wedding and cheered for us and read for us and supported us on October 5, 2008.  Not only did they show up, they also ready poetry, organized flowers, managed childern’s activities, and ushered our guests.  I’m so honored to be a part of Moya’s family.

We’ve been married three times, first in San Francisco in 2004 which was later invalidated, then in Vancouver BC in 2007 which wasn’t legal when we came home to the U.S., and most recently in San Francisco again where we are now legally married in the state of California.  Moya writes, Thank you Dad: I think I understand now, in reference to her parents not joining us at San Francisco City Hall in 2004 and then joining us for our weddings in 2007 and 2008.

Debbie, Norma, Rick, McKenna, Rich, Leanne, Lucy, Moya, Sam, Alicia, Will, Rob, Jim

My family was both missing and present at our wedding on October 5. Wedding photos usually include various arrangements of family members with the bride(s)/groom(s).  While looking at the photos of me and Moya with my family and then me and Moya with Moya’s family, I can’t help but contrast the complete presence of Moya’s family and the partial presence of my family.

My 96-year-old grandma wrote the nicest note about why she couldn’t attend because she’s not able to do air travel and she wished us the most beautiful day.  I adore her.

My mom sent an RSVP No (for her and my dad) with no explanation and never mentioned it to me.  My dad mentioned in person that he wanted to come to “that thing you and Moya are doing on October 5.”  I corrected him and said, “you mean our wedding?” and he graciously (though awkwardly, it seemed) nodded.   He had an acceptable excuse because he had minor surgery a few days before our wedding.  I wonder, however, if his surgery was also convenient for him so he wouldn’t need to try to attend.  My parents are very religious and politically conservative.  They’ve never congratulated me and Moya on our weddings or even mentioned them.  They do, however, and I really appreciate this about them,  openly welcome us in their home.

My older brother and his wife initially said that their filbert harvest would prevent them from attending our wedding for any weekend in October.  Then my older brother said he couldn’t get the time off work.  I wished his wife and sons had joined us when he couldn’t.  They also didn’t come to Vancouver, BC for our wedding in 2007 though they never said why.  I know they love us.  I’m not sure why they didn’t attend our weddings.

It made me feel so good that my sister and my other brother came to the wedding and were with us all weekend. My sister Loret and her daughter Aislin and my brother Bryce and his wife Emily were there with us.  Aren’t they all just beautiful!!

Aislin, Loret, Leanne, Lucy, Moya, Bryce, Emily

During our wedding ceremony, Loret read one of my favorite poems, “Litany” by Billy Collins, and Bryce read a very sweet poem that he wrote for us.

Bryce helped usher all of our guests.  Emily and Bryce both took a lot of gorgeous photos and also took Lucy to the beach when she wanted to get away from the wedding reception party.  Loret and Aislin helped entertain all of the kids at the wedding reception, and stayed at our house and helped us get ready the morning of our wedding.  It really tickled me that all 4 of them were with us all weekend and I’m so grateful for their presence.

I know that my sister’s wife couldn’t be there because they have a new baby, and I know how hard it is to travel with an infant.

I love my family, even if some of them don’t show up for important events in my life, and I understand that religious and political beliefs could be keeping some of them from showing up (sigh).  It’s often a relatively long evolutionary process for some people to wholeheartedly embrace and support and show up for their gay and lesbian family members the same way they show up for their straight family members.

A wedding is a wedding is a wedding regardless of the combination of bride+groom or groom+groom or bride+bride.

I love the way marriage extends our family and how Moya embraces all of the warmth as well as the delicate tensions in my family and how Moya’s family has embraced me as a part of them and how my family has (even if some of them have done it slowly and reluctantly) welcomed Moya as a part of all of us.